yesterday right before I left I got a call from the Dr. It started out with, "well I just wanted to let you know that I ran some tests on your dad and hes not doing so hot". He is a great Dr. dont get me wrong. I appriciate his honesty with me and my dad but timing could have been a little better. There I stand with bags in hand Jess tugging at my side and a plane ticket in my purse. I had to get on that plane no matter what he said. I had things I had to do and I had to leave for 3 1/2 days to be exact. So it turns out his only kidney is not working properly. I dont know what this means and niether does the dr. Time will have to tell on this one.
My dad will not be released to the nursing facility until his kidney is a little stableized. He should be fine through monday...so I think I am safe.
Saturday, November 7, 2009
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
My dads surgery
So Wednesday I got in late. I kissed my dad and grabbed his car for transportation and quickly went to sleep at my grandmothers house (my temporary residence for the week)
Thursday morning 8:30 appoinment with neurosurgeon, schedule apointment for next morning at 6 for brain surgery for primary "large" infection and discuss that the other site or smaller site could be either an infectious reaction to radiation from a year ago or another tumor that has popped up and is growing. The Dr. wanted me to get my dad in for another apointment and PET scan for that day but no one would return my calls so that did not happen.
Friday morning surgery went well I guess, dr. never talked to me so I had to get the info second hand. Seems the infection was much larger than thought previously, will be lots of scarring and tissue damage but they think they got it all. His speech is severly slow and slurred even coming down off his serious meds. He also seemed markably more negative than in the past upon waking from this surgery. He is frustrated and man do I get it. That night I had a melt down and Nathan decided he needed to come in for a bit to support me.
Saturday he was still in ICU. No word on recovery or release from hospital date. My general concern was that he still had slurred speech and it was getting worse. Thought process is slow and sometimes confused. Entire left side of body not working and he was having a hard time eating. I was now on feeding duty for all meals.
Sunday moved to regular room as ICU was full. He was depressed but doing better. Meals were going better with help. I know the backroads "private" roads and all the attendants at the hospital garage exit/payment stations...its getting a little sad, I am considering bringing candy for them as I now know when each one works. My dad is a little checked out mentally and has a hard time describing what he needs. Still has not walked or talked but does recieve news that a PET scan will be done "in house" at the hospital in the next day
Monday ok day speech and energy a bit down as he had a PET scan and was not allowed to eat he also seemed disoriented. I took care of alot of the small stuff dealing with dr.s making calls, starting to work on his apartment cleaning and such.
Tuesday Nathan and I really started hitting the "clorox" portion of cleaning my dads apartment. It needed it despratly. Nathan did all the "toxic" work and I did the putting away of clothes and such. My dad was out of it a little bit today. I try to do alot of the talking for him when I can and when i am there. Its just frustrating for him to try to verbally explain things. He still needs help with feeding. I try my best. He may or may not be admitted into physical rehab, depending on what insurance decides. I may or may not be needed down her depending also on what insurance decides. No PET scan result yet, this will let us know what his other spot in his head is and what needs to be done about it, no surgery but possible drugs to get rid of infection or even radiation to get rid of tumor.
My family has been a huge support from moving boxing to just taking me out to dinner. I have met those angels of support in the hospital who are willing to listen and help me get what I need.
My dads friends have been patient and loving and firm.
As far as my heart, I am weak. I have made some hard decisions over the last few months. I have faced the reality of those this week. I know there are harder times to come. I cant tell you if he will regain strength in his left side ever. I cant tell you if he will or will not need me down here for a week or a few months. I just dont know.
My body is ok, I am sore from the stress and tired from the constant thinking. Its a boy and we are excited but I just dont want to miss this special time...and I will. The baby looks healthy and snuggly and there is not much more I could ask from a little boy.
I am waiting to hear back from his overseeing dr. in the next day or so to get a final opinion as far as the amount of time we have with him. We are done with chemo and the effects it seems to have on my dad. We are done with intence surgeries...i think. Its just a waiting game.
Prayers:
That all this will take place fast
That I will enjoy this time left with my daddy
That I will see the joy a new baby will bring and that will keep my smiling
That my dad comes to terms with the reality
Patients for both of us in all situations
That I would continue to be thankful for those dr.s and nurses who are caring for him
The lord would provide for a caretaker who has a baby due in april
I am sorry this was a bit late. Please let me know if you have any questions.
Thursday morning 8:30 appoinment with neurosurgeon, schedule apointment for next morning at 6 for brain surgery for primary "large" infection and discuss that the other site or smaller site could be either an infectious reaction to radiation from a year ago or another tumor that has popped up and is growing. The Dr. wanted me to get my dad in for another apointment and PET scan for that day but no one would return my calls so that did not happen.
Friday morning surgery went well I guess, dr. never talked to me so I had to get the info second hand. Seems the infection was much larger than thought previously, will be lots of scarring and tissue damage but they think they got it all. His speech is severly slow and slurred even coming down off his serious meds. He also seemed markably more negative than in the past upon waking from this surgery. He is frustrated and man do I get it. That night I had a melt down and Nathan decided he needed to come in for a bit to support me.
Saturday he was still in ICU. No word on recovery or release from hospital date. My general concern was that he still had slurred speech and it was getting worse. Thought process is slow and sometimes confused. Entire left side of body not working and he was having a hard time eating. I was now on feeding duty for all meals.
Sunday moved to regular room as ICU was full. He was depressed but doing better. Meals were going better with help. I know the backroads "private" roads and all the attendants at the hospital garage exit/payment stations...its getting a little sad, I am considering bringing candy for them as I now know when each one works. My dad is a little checked out mentally and has a hard time describing what he needs. Still has not walked or talked but does recieve news that a PET scan will be done "in house" at the hospital in the next day
Monday ok day speech and energy a bit down as he had a PET scan and was not allowed to eat he also seemed disoriented. I took care of alot of the small stuff dealing with dr.s making calls, starting to work on his apartment cleaning and such.
Tuesday Nathan and I really started hitting the "clorox" portion of cleaning my dads apartment. It needed it despratly. Nathan did all the "toxic" work and I did the putting away of clothes and such. My dad was out of it a little bit today. I try to do alot of the talking for him when I can and when i am there. Its just frustrating for him to try to verbally explain things. He still needs help with feeding. I try my best. He may or may not be admitted into physical rehab, depending on what insurance decides. I may or may not be needed down her depending also on what insurance decides. No PET scan result yet, this will let us know what his other spot in his head is and what needs to be done about it, no surgery but possible drugs to get rid of infection or even radiation to get rid of tumor.
My family has been a huge support from moving boxing to just taking me out to dinner. I have met those angels of support in the hospital who are willing to listen and help me get what I need.
My dads friends have been patient and loving and firm.
As far as my heart, I am weak. I have made some hard decisions over the last few months. I have faced the reality of those this week. I know there are harder times to come. I cant tell you if he will regain strength in his left side ever. I cant tell you if he will or will not need me down here for a week or a few months. I just dont know.
My body is ok, I am sore from the stress and tired from the constant thinking. Its a boy and we are excited but I just dont want to miss this special time...and I will. The baby looks healthy and snuggly and there is not much more I could ask from a little boy.
I am waiting to hear back from his overseeing dr. in the next day or so to get a final opinion as far as the amount of time we have with him. We are done with chemo and the effects it seems to have on my dad. We are done with intence surgeries...i think. Its just a waiting game.
Prayers:
That all this will take place fast
That I will enjoy this time left with my daddy
That I will see the joy a new baby will bring and that will keep my smiling
That my dad comes to terms with the reality
Patients for both of us in all situations
That I would continue to be thankful for those dr.s and nurses who are caring for him
The lord would provide for a caretaker who has a baby due in april
I am sorry this was a bit late. Please let me know if you have any questions.
Friday, October 23, 2009
Community College
There is a new sitcom on that takes place in a community college. I cant help but watch. So many of the small moments that show has captured is so real to me. When I graduated college my grades were not high enough to get into college so I had to work on them for a while at community college. The first two semesters I really didnt do much. I found myself lost with no direction, but then something changed the next summer and it hit me. If I ever wanted to become something or do anything beyond live at home I better get a move on with this education thing.
So I started working my butt off. I took heavy loads but this time I didnt drop the classes. I didnt give up when the going got tough instead I started a study group. I made a serious effort to make friends and keep them. I worked hard to get to know the food prep guys and the guy who vacumed "A hall" every monday at 3 PM. I did my best to invest in something I wanted to effect my future. But reality is it was still jr. college. No matter what way I cut it i still had those great quirky moments that made my experience real, and perfect.
I had a guy friend that I had a huge crush on. Oh he was so cute. What was he doing at community college, I dont know. I crushed on him for 2 years then he got married. There was always that stuck up cheerleader from highschool that flunked out of college and came back to get some hours under her belt that tried to be my best friend because she knew noone else. I was nice but never really became her friend, I hated her double standard. There was that guy that had a dream of becoming a racecar driver, via his 1960's station wagon, he always made me laugh. There was that teacher that read my paper aloud and said it was one of the best papers he had ever read...without mentioning my name...and that changed my entire outlook on who I could be as a student.
Community college opened my eyes to real life and real people and real changes going on in all of us. tt humbled me, it encouraged me, it grew me. In and of itself it was odd and funny and sad and encouraging. I now have a friend that works there and I am so proud of him. What a change he will make in thousands of peoples lives.
I thank who ever came up with the idea of this show I am not watching regularly. It reminds me so much of what I experienced in my own little Jr. College.
So I started working my butt off. I took heavy loads but this time I didnt drop the classes. I didnt give up when the going got tough instead I started a study group. I made a serious effort to make friends and keep them. I worked hard to get to know the food prep guys and the guy who vacumed "A hall" every monday at 3 PM. I did my best to invest in something I wanted to effect my future. But reality is it was still jr. college. No matter what way I cut it i still had those great quirky moments that made my experience real, and perfect.
I had a guy friend that I had a huge crush on. Oh he was so cute. What was he doing at community college, I dont know. I crushed on him for 2 years then he got married. There was always that stuck up cheerleader from highschool that flunked out of college and came back to get some hours under her belt that tried to be my best friend because she knew noone else. I was nice but never really became her friend, I hated her double standard. There was that guy that had a dream of becoming a racecar driver, via his 1960's station wagon, he always made me laugh. There was that teacher that read my paper aloud and said it was one of the best papers he had ever read...without mentioning my name...and that changed my entire outlook on who I could be as a student.
Community college opened my eyes to real life and real people and real changes going on in all of us. tt humbled me, it encouraged me, it grew me. In and of itself it was odd and funny and sad and encouraging. I now have a friend that works there and I am so proud of him. What a change he will make in thousands of peoples lives.
I thank who ever came up with the idea of this show I am not watching regularly. It reminds me so much of what I experienced in my own little Jr. College.
Monday, October 19, 2009
Where is it
So now that I am out of the dark woods of losing this baby every part of me wants to decorate the babies room but I just dont have it in me. My energy is so low at this point and the idea of actually decorating anything is tiresome. I have organized and worked through most of the room but I just dont know how to get back that little extra boost of energy. Most days at 1 or so I have to take a 2 hour break. I usually end up watching something with jess and that can be quite boring but I just dont have the energy to fight it. I just feel so lazy. I know I am growing a baby, a human life in my belly but it is just frustrating when the babies room could be looking a little bit cuter day by day and I just dont have it in me. I am excited to have this baby and grow my belly and love on its little toes and kiss its little ears and smell that fresh baby breath but I just can not seem to get it together.
In a nutshel I am so excited to add this last person to my family but am not sure how we are going to have a grand homecoming for it when I cant seem to get the gumption together to get it done.
In a nutshel I am so excited to add this last person to my family but am not sure how we are going to have a grand homecoming for it when I cant seem to get the gumption together to get it done.
Sunday, October 4, 2009
My cup has spilled
Its been a long week. It stated with a 101 temp right along side jess. We fought the gunk together and it took about 3 days to recover. The next day my dad needed to go to the ER to make sure he was ok. If you have ever sent a loved one to the hospital and been so far away its a difficult decision and process of waiting to hear the news. Praise Jesus for giving my dad great friends who kept me informed of what was going on. 2 days later out of the blue I started to "spot". I got a sonogram to check the baby. We dont know what caused the bleeding. There is not evidence of tearing or scaring, it was just bleeding. The baby apears fine. Now I am on restricted physical activity. When your main activities are toting around a 3 year old, cleaning a house and assisting in a youth ministry it is hard to determine what needs to be omited from your list of activities.
I am back to being fearful of what the future might hold. Everything and I mean everything is out of my control. I cant make this baby stay in my belly if God does not want me to have it. I can not make my dad better. I just have to sit back and let the pieces fall where they may.
If we lose this baby we will not be trying again. Nathan will get "fixed" and we will be done. We have lots of reasons for this but mostly its stuff I just dont want to go into on here. For how much I talk about stuff on here I also dont reveal alot of the pain and general issues surrounding pregnancy for us. We will love jess to the best of our ability and be happy with the child that God has given us. We made this decision before we even got pregnant and we are content with staying with it even with all the activity in the last week.
All that to say I feel like instead of my cup running over instead it has spill. I just dont have much left this week. So that is where I am.
I am back to being fearful of what the future might hold. Everything and I mean everything is out of my control. I cant make this baby stay in my belly if God does not want me to have it. I can not make my dad better. I just have to sit back and let the pieces fall where they may.
If we lose this baby we will not be trying again. Nathan will get "fixed" and we will be done. We have lots of reasons for this but mostly its stuff I just dont want to go into on here. For how much I talk about stuff on here I also dont reveal alot of the pain and general issues surrounding pregnancy for us. We will love jess to the best of our ability and be happy with the child that God has given us. We made this decision before we even got pregnant and we are content with staying with it even with all the activity in the last week.
All that to say I feel like instead of my cup running over instead it has spill. I just dont have much left this week. So that is where I am.
Thursday, September 3, 2009
The story of a baby
So, many of you may have questions about THE BABY. Thats right we are 7 weeks pregnant. If you follow my blog on a regular basis then you know we have struggled for over 8 months to get pregnant. I found out on my birthday. It is the best birthday present I have ever recieved. I was with my best friend Kerry and she helped me through alot of the fear and anxiety of that second pregnancy. Nathan was on a camping trip "out of contact" for another week or so.
Jess and I made a sign that said "Im going to be a big sister". To her knowledge it said "I am a big girl". Its just a little much for her to take in that we are having a baby and all that is involved in that. When Nathan got to Kerrys house I decided to tell him the next morning. He was tired and I wanted him to rest from the trip.
The next morning he was getting jess ready for the day when she announced "I am a big sister". Nathan came out from her room and said, "hey kim, why would she say that". I told him and we celebrated. I was a fun enexpected way for him to find out. Funny thing is that she was talking about being a "big sister" to baby josh, but it all worked out in the end.
Knowing my hormones would be low I scheduled a blood draw for when i got back and yep they were low. They were so low that my body didnt realize it was pregnant. Last time I took progesterone for a little over a month and it was bad. It makes me feel sick all the time, I MEAN ALL THE TIME. It makes me uncomfterble and just tired all the time. This time I get to take it for a little over 2 months...this should be fun. My hormones were also much lower than they were with Jess so I was not sure we would even make it to 6 weeks. But we did. Apparently that is a big deal if you are low on progesterone.
The Dr.s here only do 1 to 2 sonograms per pregnancy. Apparently even high risk patients are not prone to get a sonogram. So when I went to the Dr. last and I had no sono and they sent me on my way I was just a little sad. If I am going to do this to my body then I want to know its worth it and the pregnancy has taken as it should at this point and the baby is growing. This Wednesday one of our huge supporters/friends set us up an appointment at the Pregnancy Resource Center here close to us so we could see a heart beat if possible. If you see a heart beat chances of miscarying are much lower. We DID see a heart beat. It was just as exciting and cool and reasuring as when we saw Jessicas heart beat for the first time.
So, here i am pregnant for the second and last time I hope. It takes us alot to get through this stuff of the first 12-14 weeks and we really do not want to go through it again. I have already started to ready for the baby. I know its early but its my hope that passing the 6 week mark is a big enough acheivment that we will make it past 12. I am trying to be a little better about taking care of small tasks everyday and not letting them collect to a pile for the weekend to be taken care of. We are excited for our baby in mid April to get here. Its a new step in our lives we are really ready for. Pray for us and the baby and that we are kept safe and healthy. Thank you all who have supported us and given us caring words of encouragment. We love you and thank Jesus for you.
Jess and I made a sign that said "Im going to be a big sister". To her knowledge it said "I am a big girl". Its just a little much for her to take in that we are having a baby and all that is involved in that. When Nathan got to Kerrys house I decided to tell him the next morning. He was tired and I wanted him to rest from the trip.
The next morning he was getting jess ready for the day when she announced "I am a big sister". Nathan came out from her room and said, "hey kim, why would she say that". I told him and we celebrated. I was a fun enexpected way for him to find out. Funny thing is that she was talking about being a "big sister" to baby josh, but it all worked out in the end.
Knowing my hormones would be low I scheduled a blood draw for when i got back and yep they were low. They were so low that my body didnt realize it was pregnant. Last time I took progesterone for a little over a month and it was bad. It makes me feel sick all the time, I MEAN ALL THE TIME. It makes me uncomfterble and just tired all the time. This time I get to take it for a little over 2 months...this should be fun. My hormones were also much lower than they were with Jess so I was not sure we would even make it to 6 weeks. But we did. Apparently that is a big deal if you are low on progesterone.
The Dr.s here only do 1 to 2 sonograms per pregnancy. Apparently even high risk patients are not prone to get a sonogram. So when I went to the Dr. last and I had no sono and they sent me on my way I was just a little sad. If I am going to do this to my body then I want to know its worth it and the pregnancy has taken as it should at this point and the baby is growing. This Wednesday one of our huge supporters/friends set us up an appointment at the Pregnancy Resource Center here close to us so we could see a heart beat if possible. If you see a heart beat chances of miscarying are much lower. We DID see a heart beat. It was just as exciting and cool and reasuring as when we saw Jessicas heart beat for the first time.
So, here i am pregnant for the second and last time I hope. It takes us alot to get through this stuff of the first 12-14 weeks and we really do not want to go through it again. I have already started to ready for the baby. I know its early but its my hope that passing the 6 week mark is a big enough acheivment that we will make it past 12. I am trying to be a little better about taking care of small tasks everyday and not letting them collect to a pile for the weekend to be taken care of. We are excited for our baby in mid April to get here. Its a new step in our lives we are really ready for. Pray for us and the baby and that we are kept safe and healthy. Thank you all who have supported us and given us caring words of encouragment. We love you and thank Jesus for you.
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Am I missing something
When i was growing up there was a common thread amoung me and my friends. When we screwed up...i mean really screwed up our parents never patted us on the head and said its ok...its just who you are. They made us say we were sorry or go and replace what we had broken or work for what we had done. Christian, non-christian, jewish the list could go on. It did not matter your background you were held responsible for your actions. I even had a friend booted from her home at 18 because she took lying to far and her parents knew she had to learn.
Everytime i turn around it seems I find someone who is being let off the hook for something they have done. A kid spends the night at a girls house and its ok because hes just a boy and one day he will learn. A college student gets loans for school and uses them to buy a new sound system for her car and the latest and greatest computer and TV and the parents shake their head and say, she is just a college student. A husband emotionally tears apart a wift and its ok because she really needed to toughen up a little.
When did we loose basic moral guidlines...not christian just basic. When did we decide if it is something that we are born with as a struggle that it makes it ok to ignore. When did it become ok to be rude and not be held accountable for that and I mean really accountable, "I am sorry, but "does not count. When did parents forget to just let kids of all ages learn to sink or swim, i mean really sink, to the bottom of the sea.
I make mistakes. I dont step in when I need to. I step in to early at times. But overall in the end I expect Jess to be fully sufficient by the time she heads off to college. This means that she can know her limits and when she has passed them. That she can make wise decisions in life from money to what classes to take. That she will also be able to make sound moral decisions without me coming along side her and having to seriously help her out.
Children are a gift of God to be brought up in a mannor that they can fully trust in Him for every need. Although I want to have a wonderful relationship with Jess when she is out of college i really dont want it to be one where I have to pull her up by her bootstraps now and then because I forgot to let her learn the hard way when she was young.
I see generations of people that seem to be lacking this quality. It just blows my mind. Yep its controvertial but to me if you are a Christian God spells it out that we are to grow our children in a wise mannor so that they can be wise adults.
Everytime i turn around it seems I find someone who is being let off the hook for something they have done. A kid spends the night at a girls house and its ok because hes just a boy and one day he will learn. A college student gets loans for school and uses them to buy a new sound system for her car and the latest and greatest computer and TV and the parents shake their head and say, she is just a college student. A husband emotionally tears apart a wift and its ok because she really needed to toughen up a little.
When did we loose basic moral guidlines...not christian just basic. When did we decide if it is something that we are born with as a struggle that it makes it ok to ignore. When did it become ok to be rude and not be held accountable for that and I mean really accountable, "I am sorry, but "does not count. When did parents forget to just let kids of all ages learn to sink or swim, i mean really sink, to the bottom of the sea.
I make mistakes. I dont step in when I need to. I step in to early at times. But overall in the end I expect Jess to be fully sufficient by the time she heads off to college. This means that she can know her limits and when she has passed them. That she can make wise decisions in life from money to what classes to take. That she will also be able to make sound moral decisions without me coming along side her and having to seriously help her out.
Children are a gift of God to be brought up in a mannor that they can fully trust in Him for every need. Although I want to have a wonderful relationship with Jess when she is out of college i really dont want it to be one where I have to pull her up by her bootstraps now and then because I forgot to let her learn the hard way when she was young.
I see generations of people that seem to be lacking this quality. It just blows my mind. Yep its controvertial but to me if you are a Christian God spells it out that we are to grow our children in a wise mannor so that they can be wise adults.
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